I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
You Might Also Like
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.