this has done me in for some reason
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I hope this email finds you in a well
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
CUTE CAT‼︎
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants