3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*