*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Check out the legs on this baby
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.