Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
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wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
“i miss shittin on people”
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.