I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
You Might Also Like
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Good dog. ❤️
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities