I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
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Taco Bell, Exit 22
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
ok like just. call me at this point
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.