I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
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Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I know
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
that wasn’t the question
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Talk about a bad egg
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”