I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
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Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Are these grass-fed oranges?