I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.