I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”


11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isnโ€™t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.


[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08


M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time


When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.


Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!


Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?


This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”


If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.