@BobGolen

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

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@murrman5

how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”

@MommaUnfiltered

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isnโ€™t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

@3sunzzz

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

@Dutch_50

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

@LockWilford

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

@ClichedOut

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

@Social_Mime

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.