how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*
Me (checks clock): 5:08
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: Good night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.