I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
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high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken