I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
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I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
mathematically impossible
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Not😆🤣