I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.