“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
A short story of betrayal:
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.