I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
You Might Also Like
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
@ candidates for local office
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.