I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
#Caturday
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO