I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

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Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”


Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.


Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies


I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.


*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.


[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please


Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk


Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997


Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.