@prufrockluvsong

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

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@DaddyJew

Jesus:*turns water into wine

Guy: thanks but I’m in AA, I’ll just have the water

J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward

@chuuew

A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

@ktmcburr

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

@UnFitz

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@FreshTerritory

You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.

@CindyMeakin

I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.