I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

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Jesus:*turns water into wine

Guy: thanks but I’m in AA, I’ll just have the water

J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward


A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film


FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood


Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?


Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.


My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.


Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.


You guys are even more beautiful now that I’m wearing my “wine glasses”.


I’m just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.