I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!