@skickwriter

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

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@murrman5

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

@EJGomez

God: u can ask me 1 question
me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop
God:
[later]
devil: welcome to hell

@StranDadAbroad

Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.

@JJSummertime

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

@PostCultRev

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

@TragicAllyHere

Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx

@thepunningman

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”