I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF