I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
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Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Nice try, NASA
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
These aren’t even hard anymore.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.