I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The glory of fall.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.