[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
#ProTip
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so