@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

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@LlamaInaTux

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

@AudreyPorne

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

@david8hughes

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

@JoParkerBear

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

@HeyHosey

Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs w[ESC]

@tweetsbyrocket

millennial: i wish for death

boomer genie: did you say debt

millennial: no

boomer genie: too late

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@causticbob

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.