I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.