@AndDesist

I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.

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@_NTFG_

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

@PaperWash

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

@hdaniels_00

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

@TheBoydP

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

@handsock_butts

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

@dave_cactus

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

@Reverend_Scott

[jumps in Uber]

ME: HURRY I’M LATE

UBER: [starts driving]

ME: PULL OVER HERE

[jumps out, pets dog]

ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO

@ThisLocalHater

My family crest just says, “Yo, can I crash on your couch for a while?”

@TankCesar

Them: How’d you get to be so funny?

Me: Mental illness.

@IamJackBoot

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?