8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
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Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light