I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
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Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting