I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is