Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
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“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
If only
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Best table by far
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.