I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
There is wisdom there.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Taking phone security to the next level.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha