@livingnBoston

I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.

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@MavenofHonor

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

@SteveKoehler22

If you use a wrong word in a tweet
and a grammar nazi loses his shit-

Try these consoling words :
“Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”

@Jenny4ashley

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

@rickolantern

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

@david8hughes

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

@ArfMeasures

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

@welfarehoe

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

@lunchbox_82

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

@ThugRaccoons

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.