America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Dead sexy!!
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”