Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.
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If you use a wrong word in a tweet
and a grammar nazi loses his shit-
Try these consoling words :
“Their, there, they’re. It’ll be okay”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.