I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
A roof is a house hat.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.