@david8hughes

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

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@freezingsheep

If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.

@DrinkingJimmy

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

@cjwerleman

When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

@heat_packingDr

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

@david8hughes

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

@blade_funner

[God inventing children]

A: Aw, so cute.

G: Make ’em scream.

A: But –

G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.