I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
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Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I have a type: disappointing
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Seems legit
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out