I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
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me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.