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[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
My background check bounced.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured