@omerwahaj

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

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@wildethingy

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

@djdarrellripley

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?

@DirtMcTurd

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

@sweetg35

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

@karlainvt

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

@ThisLocalHater

[Running up to a burning house, out of breath, hands on my knees]

So when I was backpacking through Europe,

@suntzufuntzu

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

@sophielou

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

@brendohare

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints