I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

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Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*


Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?


Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins


If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.


If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.


[Running up to a burning house, out of breath, hands on my knees]

So when I was backpacking through Europe,


An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.


Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….


I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints