doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
he’s doing your taxes
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!