@SoAnyway1

I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

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@UniqueDude2

WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too

@theshantilly

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

@KimmyMonte

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

@MedievalReacts

bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone

Me:

@TheHyyyype

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

@Jake_Vig

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

@HungoverLawyer

Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.

@VerifiedDrunk

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

@daemonic3

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt