I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.

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WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
W: thanks
J: you too


*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back


i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon


bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone



[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”


RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys


I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.


Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don’t want to touch it any more than you do.


I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping


Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-


My presents felt