I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing