I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

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You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.


Party Questions by age

1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?


When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.


I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.


I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.


*deals poker hand*

peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]

everyone, at exactly the same time: fold


I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.