You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
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Party Questions by age
1-12: Will there be a Bouncy House?
17-20: Will there be alcohol?
22-27: Theres no kids right?
30+ Who’s bday is it?
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
When a coworker says “This is all Greek to me”, I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.
Him: You seem nice.
Me: I do, don’t I?
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I like my women so intelligent that it takes me days to realize I was insulted.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.