I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

You Might Also Like


[Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.


Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
[Priest faints]


If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.


HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever


For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”


I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.


if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?


My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house


Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”