[Tour of NASA Headquarters]
Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-
Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?
Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.