I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
😍😂🥰😂😍
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you