I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone