@WheelTod

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

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@SteveKoehler22

When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-

She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.

I know this now.

@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

@Aikiwomannc

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

@FattMernandez

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

@patnelke

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@Lisabug74

In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.

@thesulk

Hulu coming to PS3. Finally I can watch TV on my TV.

@Chel__CLE

When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.

@_Tempo11

Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.