Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.