Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
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I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat