I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.