I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”


The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.


If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.


I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.


[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*


Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now


My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.


Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.


I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?