@UnFitz

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

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@KenJennings

REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.

@HatesNiceThings

Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!

@envydatropic

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

@imchriskelly

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

@WildeThingy

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

@tsm560

I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it

@wittwitbarista

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

@girl_a_whirl

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

@BrokenDollMcGee

random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then