@UnFitz

I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

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@Home_Halfway

Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”

@kimtopher22

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

@JohnLyonTweets

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

@LnL245

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

@AbbieEvansXO

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

@TheCiscoKidder

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

@djdarrellripley

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?