I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
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My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
“You drive, I’m tired.”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.