I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”

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REAL ’90s kids will recognize this! —> Current unemployment.


Can you imagine how awesome sprinkles would be if they tasted like anything?!


I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken


At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”


Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”


I’m not gonna apologize for being me. I tried that once and no one would accept it


I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.


If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.


random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then