@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

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@sarcasm_inc

-THAR SHE BLOWS
*she stops*
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”

@Sophie2078

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

@PickleRudd

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

@AimeeHelene1

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

@TechnicallyRon

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

@theshantilly

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

@juliecursively

HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?

@WittySassBasket

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.