I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

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*she stops*
Does he REALLY have to be in here?
“My seeing-eye pirate? Yes”
But this is so intima-
“Fill the balloons, Susan”


*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.


Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??


*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”


“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.


Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”


I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.


HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?


To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.