I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
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ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]