I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.

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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.

Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.


I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me


We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


No YOU let your kid think he could turn the traffic lights green with his mind powers until he was 10 yrs old!


If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


Dear toy companies stop telling me your product will provide hours of family fun it will provide two minutes of interest followed by ten tantrums and exclamations of THIS IS BORING


[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here