I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
my dog when i have a friend over
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.