I did not say your baby was ugly. I just asked what happened.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Me: 3 dozen?
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?
If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.