@timdonakowski

I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

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@tnylgn

I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

@JediGigi

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

@Tayl0rBr00ks

A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?

@DaddyJew

If someone steals your identity, you should have every right to kill them. What are they gonna do, arrest you for suicide?

@13spencer

Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.

@RocketRankoon

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

@jjhartinger

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

@KalvinMacleod

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.