I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight