I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
You Might Also Like
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on